


How ~Management Stole Larry

by girlpearl



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Podfic Available, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-13
Updated: 2012-05-13
Packaged: 2017-11-05 07:01:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/403677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlpearl/pseuds/girlpearl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So I was talking to Acadia about how Louis Tomlinson smiles like the Grinch...</p>
            </blockquote>





	How ~Management Stole Larry

**Author's Note:**

> Hastily-done podfic available here: http://soundcloud.com/redoliphaunt/hmsl

Every Fan  
Down in fandom  
Liked Larry Stylinson a lot...  
But ~Management,  
Who lived just outside of fandom,  
Did NOT!  
~Management hated Larry! The whole slashy pairing!  
Even though the rest of us were really past caring.  
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.  
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.  
But I think that the most likely reason of all  
May have been that conventional wisdom indicated that middle America was not ready for an openly-committed gay couple as pop icons, despite the success of performers such as Adam Lambert, Melissa Etheridge, and many, many others.

But,  
Whatever the reason,  
or freedom to marry,  
He stood there on Album-release Eve, hating Larry,  
Staring down from his office with a squee-harshing frown  
At the warm lighted windows below in tinhat town.  
For he knew every fan down on tumblr (none finer)  
Was busy now, writing a tin-hatty primer.  
"And they're posting their picspams!" he snarled with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow the album drops! It's practically here!"  
Then he growled, with his Establishment fingers nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find a way to keep Larry from coming!"  
For, tomorrow, he knew...  
...All the fan girls and boys  
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their pcs!  
And then! Oh, the squee! Oh, the squee! Squee! Squee! Squee!  
That's one thing he hated! The SQUEE! SQUEE! SQUEE! SQUEE!!  
Then the fans, young and old, would sit down to share feels.  
And they'd feel! And they'd feel!  
And they'd FEEL! FEEL! FEEL! FEEL!  
They would start on fan-baiting, and rare canon ho-yay!  
Which was something ~Management couldn't stand--way too gay!  
And THEN  
They'd do something he liked least of all!  
Those two boys from the band, the squirmy and whispery,  
Would stand close together, with fans watching shiftily.  
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the boys would start singing!  
They'd sing! And they'd sing!  
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!  
And the more ~Management thought of the Fan-Service-Sing  
The more ~Management thought, "I must stop this whole thing!  
"Why for fifty-two weeks I've put up with it now!  
I MUST stop Larry from happening!  
...But HOW?"  
Then he got an idea!  
An awful idea!  
~MANAGEMENT  
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!  
"No more gay for you!" ~Management cackled to Louis.  
“I’m sending you home ‘til you learn to love... girls.”  
And Lou fretted and frowned, "If I don’t act the part  
They’ll take me away from Hazza, my heart!  
All I need is a girlfriend..."  
Louis looked around.  
But since women are individual humans with their own agency and lives to live, there was none to be found.  
Did that stop our boobear...?  
No! Louis simply said,  
"If I can't find a girlfriend, I'll make one instead!"  
So he called his friend Eleanor. Then he called up Harry  
And he told of his plan to secretly marry.  
THEN  
He faked up some dates  
And posted on Twitter  
Though he messed up some details  
Which left fans a-titter.  
Then ~Managment said, "That’s better!  
Now stop touching each other!  
Whispering and nuzzling--  
That’s nothing like brothers.”  
All the fans were suspicious. Eleanor seemed quite nice.  
But the passion between them burned as hot as, well, ice  
When the couple were spotted about on the town.  
"This is just not convincing," old ~Management hissed  
And he called up poor Louis, and said he was pissed!  
“No one’s buying the beard! They’re seeing right through it!  
I knew there was no way you’d convincingly do it!”  
Louis panicked and cried, for a moment or two.  
Then he begged to be given a chance to redo  
To convince all the fans that a girl held his love.  
"And Harry," he grimaced, "will be given a shove,  
whenever he leans in, or nuzzles my hair,  
I’ll remind him, not okay! when fans are right there.”  
Kissing! Knee-clasping! And stroking of thumbs!  
Nicknames, and groping! And pinching of bums!  
“These are all now off-limits,” Louis told Harry sadly.  
“But to stay by your side, I will sacrifice gladly!”  
Then he set off again, to do PR once more.  
He was ever so grateful to brave Eleanor!  
Who put up with abuses from misguided fans,  
For ruining their crazypants marry-Lou-plans.  
Then he posted to Twitter, “Lay off my girl friend,”  
“This is hateful!” he explained, “It must come to an end!”  
And Harry agreed; “This is no way to say  
you support our hypothetical right to be gay.”  
But the paps said “This girlfriend thing doesn’t hold water,”  
And they posted some snaps of Lou, Haz, and their daughter  
Little Lux Stylinson, who was no more than two.  
And the fans saw her picture, and started to coo.  
~Management stared at the pix and said, "Why,  
are you *trying* to look like a gay family? WHY?"  
But, you know, poor sweet Harry was so tired and sick  
Of living a lie, and he blew up, right quick!  
"Well you don’t own our lives," he told the exec,  
"Our fans won’t freak out if they know we have sex!  
So I'm telling them all how Louis’s my dear.  
We’re coming out big! We’re here and we’re queer!"  
And his threat scared ~Management, who made up new rules:  
No sex while on tour, and stop acting like fools.  
And when Niall and Liam and Zayn protested,  
he threatened to have every last boy arrested!  
Then the last thing he did  
to secure their straight rep  
Was to fake up some pictures himself, the old liar,  
of Louis & Eleanor, sent out on the wire.  
And not one trace of gay  
was there left in the way,  
no hint that between them, emotions did play.  
Then  
He issued a statement  
To the fans, in a state,  
Saying Louis  
and Harry were  
no longer roommates!

It was quarter past dawn...  
All the fans, still a-bed  
All the fans, still a-snooze  
When he nodded and said,  
So there for their slashing! The tinhats! The feelings!  
The touching! And joking! The looks so revealing!  
I asked and I asked but they wouldn’t restrain it;  
No longer must I work so hard to contain it!!  
"Pooh-pooh to the fans!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.  
"They're finding out now that no Larry is coming!  
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two  
"Then all the fans down on Tumblr will all cry BOO-HOO!"  
"That's a noise," grinned ~Management,  
"That I simply must hear!"  
So he paused. And ~Management put a hand to his ear.  
And he did hear a sound rising over the ‘tubes.  
but it wasn’t the expected B’awwwing of n00bs...  
No, the sound wasn't sad!  
Why, this sound sounded merry!  
It couldn't be so!  
But it WAS merry Harry!  
He stared at his Twitter!  
~Management popped his eyes!  
Then he shook!  
What he saw was a shocking surprise!  
Every fan down on Twitter, with feelings quite gooey,  
Was retweeting Harry’s proposal to Louis!  
He HADN'T stopped Larry from coming!  
IT CAME!  
Somehow or other, it came just the same!  
And ~Management, aware he could not top that show,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?  
I told them no flirting! I told them no hugs!  
I told them no shopping for blankets and rugs!"  
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.  
Then ~Management thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe Larry," he thought, "isn’t something they do.  
Maybe Larry...perhaps...is a love that is true!"  
And what happened then...?  
Well...on Fanlore they say  
That ~Management's small heart  
Grew three sizes that day!  
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,  
He called up Sugarscape and he told them, “That’s right!  
Harry and Louis are soon getting hitched!”  
And he...  
...HE HIMSELF...!  
~Management leaked the pics.


End file.
